On how should life be.

I had to leave my country six years ago to motivate myself.  Which I did, in the most unexpected way. It's not a secret to myself, the more I've lived, the more I've realised that, throughout my life I always wanted to be motivated by others; I went to psychoanalysis for a while, I was looking for motivation there too... and all I had to do was to seek motivation within my own self, with my own way of being, my own thinking, my decisions. 

Six years ago, leaving my country was surely the first time I got an opportunity to motivate myself. I didn’t knew it then, but the living in another country, having to learn a new language (not ‘adapting myself to a new culture’, because cultures are completely independent to oneself), and exposing myself to any possible kind of people, would become the first thing in my life I felt genuinely proud of doing, proud of such nosedive.

With that doubtful, yet accurate self encouragement, I planted a seed of freedom, and later I started doing things in my life that were entirely my decisions, my plants… not minding consequences but experience. I re-thought my judgment, literally, and I went to discover myself. If you want a cliché in this part of the story, I started smoking marihuana and cigarettes, elements that might seem silly to some, but that throws you to another stream of people, thinkings and vibes you won’t find in people that don’t consume them. I spent time and opened my arms to the kind of people I would have never say ‘hello’ to in my own country.

Beyond exploring my -back then- closed mindset, I of course found space to explore my sexuality, which among other things, was the most confusing thing when I was in Venezuela. My lack of confidence, together with a highly conservative observation of the world, frustrated much of my sexual life. And so, the living alone in another country, gave me the confidence to go to the 'darkest' aspects of my prejudices. Individually for instance, I went down to prostitution regularly… I went to transexuals, many times… I seduced men, not necessarily going to bed with them, but pretending I wanted to. I was just thinking I didn’t knew my sexual preferences, and I say ‘thinking’ with property, because since I was very little I did never identified myself with what being a ‘man’ meant in my environment, yet I liked girls… and that was tremendously confusing. I in fact thought, through all my life, that if whom surrounded me thought I was homosexual, there might have been some truth in that. My sexual experiences with guys were always easy to find, since I’m a child, and what wasn’t clear by then it was that an orgasm does not have a sexual preference… an orgasm just happens as a reaction of the body, and the body reacts to tact, not to genre. So if I had orgasms with guys… everything made sense.  

At some point, I don't really know where, I began to realise my life was a dogma. I understood everything as black and white. I understood everything from other’s perspectives. I grew up thinking being myself wasn’t quite correct. I had to fix me. I really, literally, had to fix me... that was my life in Venezuela. And you know what I think it saved the day?; people, in others I had examples. So diverse, so unexpected. 

Little by little… person by person… I was realising I wasn’t the only one feeling aside, abnormal. That in one way or another, we all feel that way, we all go through difficulties… and somehow… that’s the roof we choose as shelter; my biggest problem, it’s my biggest, and my problem, because of the context I wanna give to it. Your biggest problem, it’s your biggest, and your problem, because of the context you wanna give to it. The context isn’t written by society, society just gives you the topic, so to speak. Observing others I became confident of being unconfident. I realised it’s normal to be afraid, to feel less than others, to feel you don’t fill the expectations… to feel you lack what you were always told you shouldn’t be lacking. And understanding that being afraid it’s right, you can then accept the fear, therefore you can face it instead of running away from it. 

With 18 years old, my biggest goal in life was to find a girlfriend. At first I though it was because I was seeking love, but it was more of a ‘trying to look normal’ into the society. I used to believe a love relationship was pure success, that if I could get a girl by my side, I would be successful, because that’s what I used to consume daily for 8 years from television, fanatic of telenovelas, which doesn’t sell anything else than that; success, a final episode, it is not independence, it is not knowing yourself... it's getting married. That was my roof, the most silly one. 

With 24, I don’t have a goal at all. And I think, that is it.
Not having a goal but working hard on yourself…
Not having a goal but a job… any, wherever.
Not having a goal but doing something, being useful somewhere.
Not having a goal but assuming the most fearful challenges…
Not having a goal but being responsible and accurate…
Not having a goal but controlling excessive emotionalism… 
Not having a goal but detaching myself from people, not erasing the esteem…
Not having a goal but planning how to base what will soon be the future…

My life was ruled by how things should be, not by how I wanted them to be, simply because I didn’t know how did I wanted them to be. There it’s the limbo, the dangerous gap between reality and fantasy, because most of the time, the way we want life to be, it’s the way we were told it should be. 

It’s just a process of unveiling big truths. Nothing it’s written, fear it’s a wall that can literally be jumped; jump by jump I knew who I wanted to be in bed with. Jump by jump I was great at something I thought I wasn’t good at. Jump by jump… I learnt. I was useful. I earned some money. 

I kept away unwanted energies from others.
I saw my talents. I tamed them.
I could defend my ideas, literally I found my identity. 

I had to leave my country six years ago to motivate myself. 
Which I did, in the most unexpected way.

I motivated myself with every step I took. Every thing I have done, up to this point, have been an exercise for my problems. I already figured myself out, now the challenge is… to figure life out. Real life, the one that shows me that if by 40 I haven’t got a house, where will I die at my 80s?.

Life should just be, getting away from what you’re told it should be. 

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