Monday, May 15, 2017

How life should be.

I had to leave my country six years ago to motivate myself. 
Which I did, in the most unexpected way. 

All my life I wanted to be motivated by others. I went to psychoanalysis for a while… I was looking for motivation there too, and all I had to do was to seek motivation within my own self. With my own way of being. My own thinking. My decisions. 

Six years ago, leaving my country was surely the first time I got an opportunity to motivate myself. I didn’t knew it then, but the living in another country, and having to learn a new language (not ‘adapting myself to a new culture’, because cultures are completely independent to oneself) would become the first thing in my life I felt genuinely proud of doing. Proud of such a jump.

With that doubtful, yet accurate encouragement, I planted a seed of freedom, and later I started doing things in my life that were entirely my decisions, my plants… not minding consequences but experience. I re thought my judgment, literally, and I went to discover myself. If you want a cliche in this part of the story, I started smoking marihuana and cigarettes, elements that might seem silly to some, but that throws you to another stream of people, thinkings and vibes you won’t find in people that don’t consume them. I spent time with the kind of people I would have never say ‘hello’ to in my own country.

Individually, I went down to prostitution, regularly… I went to transexuals, many times… I seduced men, not necessarily going to bed with them, but pretending I wanted to. I was just thinking I didn’t knew my sexual preferences. I say ‘thinking’ with property, because since I was very little I did never identified myself with what being a ‘man’ meant in my environment, yet I liked girls… and that was tremendously confusing. I always thought, through all my life, that if whom surrounded me thought I was homosexual, there might have been some truth in that. Therefore, my sexual experiences with guys were always easy to find, since I’m a child, and what wasn’t clear by then it was that an orgasm does not have a sexual preference… an orgasm just happens as a reaction of the body, and the body reacts to tact, not to genre. So if I had orgasms with guys… everything made sense.  

At some point, I began to realise my life was a dogma.
I understood everything as black and white. 
I understood everything from other’s perspectives.
I grew up thinking being myself wasn’t quite correct.
I had to fix me.

And you know what I think it saved the day?
People. In others I had examples.
So diverse. So unexpected. 

Little by little… person by person… 
I was realizing I wasn’t the only one feeling aside, abnormal. 
That in one way or another, we all feel that way. 
We all go through difficulties… and somehow…
That’s the roof we choose as shelter. 

My biggest problem, it’s my biggest, and my problem, because of my context. Your biggest problem, it’s your biggest, and your problem, because of your context. The context isn’t written by society, society just gives you the topic, so to speak. Observing others I became confident of being unconfident. I realised it’s normal to be afraid, to feel less than others, to feel you don’t fill the expectations… to feel you lack what you were always told you shouldn’t be lacking. And understanding that being afraid it’s right, you can then accept the fear, therefore you can face it instead of running away from it. 

With 18 years old, my biggest goal in life was to find a girlfriend. At first I though it was because I was seeking love, but it was more of a ‘trying to look normal’ into the society. I used to believe a love relationship was pure success, that if I could get a girl by my side, I would be successful, because that’s what I used to consume daily for 8 years in television, fanatic of soap operas, which doesn’t sell anything else than that. That was my roof. The most silly one. And then, later, when I could finally get close to having a relationship, yet my roof kept threatening everything with her, therefore I lost her… but that’s another story.

With 24, I don’t have a goal at all. And I think, that is it.
Not having a goal but working hard on yourself…
Not having a goal but a job… any, wherever.
Not having a goal but doing something, being useful somewhere.
Not having a goal but assuming the most fearful challenges…
Not having a goal but being responsible and accurate…
Not having a goal but controlling excessive emotionalism… 
Not having a goal but detaching myself from people, not erasing the esteem…
Not having a goal but planning how to base what will soon be the future…

My life was ruled by how things should be, not by how I wanted them to be, I simply didn’t know how did I wanted them to be. There it’s the limbo, the dangerous gap between reality and fantasy, because most of the time, the way we want life to be, it’s the way we were told it should be. 

It’s just a process of unveiling big truths. Back in 2012 for instance, my parents came to visit me in the country I was studying, and seeing my messy place, my messy way of living, they told me “to get somewhere you have to be organized”… today I’ve gotten somewhere, I've travelled, I am working for a very big company, not asking them a penny… and I am still living very messily. 

Nothing it’s written, fear it’s a wall that can literally be jumped…
Jump by jump I knew who I wanted to be in bed with. 
Jump by jump I was great at something I thought I wasn’t good at. 
Jump by jump… I learnt. I was useful. I earned some money. 

I kept away unwanted energies from others.
I saw my talents. I tamed them.
I could defend my ideas, literally I found my identity. 

I had to leave my country six years ago to motivate myself. 
Which I did, in the most unexpected way.

I motivated myself with every step I took. Every thing I have done, up to this point, have been an exercise for my problems. I already figured myself out, now the challenge is… to figure life out. Real life, the one that shows me that if by 40 I haven’t got a house, where will I die at my 80s?.

Life should just be, getting away from what you’re told it should be. 

Now… more exercises to come. 

Monday, January 23, 2017

On how I did earn the English language...

1. Connect with yourself, find a mobile.

I had to learn English because I moved to study degree in a different country, which din't speak Spanish at all. I arrived to Malaysia knowing in English only how to introduce myself, and when I saw the path ahead, I panicked and I thought "I will never learn"

I started the English course from level 4 after passing the introductory exam... I did not know how did I actually ended up in a 4th level, but well, there I was, frequently lost in class. I never thought on learning English because I never saw the need on speaking other language, but when you can't speak, you can't be yourself, and I was craving to. In the class I always wanted to participate, but I was too shy, and whenever there was a group of classmates talking I wanted to be there, make jokes, what a normal David will do.

I couldn't easily find myself within this -by then- weird language, but in Spanish I was always outspoken, I loved talking and making jokes, expression was my north. In that urgency for being myself, I found a mobile to learn; I needed to speak English in order to interact with people the same way I used to in my original language. 

2. Force English into your life, connect with someone.

My Spanish speaker friend played an important role back in the days... she used to hang out with middle eastern people and I used to spend most of my time with them. There I was forced to speak English. Of course, the stress was always around, most of the time I was lost in the conversation, but that was also, at times, funny... I liked them, the energy there was, and that made me try speaking. Important; when there is no common language with others vibes is all that matters, so find the right vibes. I know how awful it feels to be missing a lot of stuff in a conversation, but I tell you, those are experiences one will never live again when dominating the language.

3. Change your mindset of expression and do not translate.

Later I started realising it's not only the understanding the language roughly, but learning the ways of expression in English. I will never forget how literal English used to be, maybe because Spanish it's always literal, we don't have that much of shortcuts. I will never forget, once someone asked me "So... how do you find Malaysia?", and, if you translate that to Spanish, it's as literal as it gets. Thinking on how "did I knew about it" I told him; "From a friend of mine"... so he emphasized "how do you find it?"... and I started thinking in Google Maps. In Spanish we will directly use "Do you like Malaysia?", because the 'finding' will rather be used as "How do you find yourself? (How are you feeling?)".

From there I became aware of the fact that I also had to modify the way of thinking, the way of using the language... and it was when I started realising as well that translating was not an option. I used to go to classes, but on a first level, 4 weeks weren't much of help for speaking. I was paying attention to grammar, but it was always confuse... I couldn't get the simplest things like "have/has", the "been", or how to use "than" or "as". I do remember what I got first, the adding 'er' or 'st', and I remember I loved it because it was pure shortcut. I used to have an exam every end of the month, and I remember I used to write a lot in the last sections which were the free essays. Despite the poor usage of the language, I had inside the need for expressing an idea, or a sentiment... so little by little, on those exams, I was less stressed by the fact of not knowing how to write but by the fact of how do I express my ideas clearly. So I transferred the stress from "how do I say...?" to "I wanna say...".

4. Listen carefully to people.

Within the process, I started listening the people more carefully, I used to 'hunt' how they utilized the grammar, comparing that with whatever I was seeing in class. My brain started doing connections, becoming a matter of language epiphanies; listening and thinking "Oh... that's what we were talking about in class two weeks ago" ...a particular sentence in the other used to turn on some lights in my brain... so I was learning after all. I think 70% of the rest happens unconsciously... the brain begins to make so many associations that you lost track, and eventually your discourse earns it automatically. 

5. Discuss topics that requires not language but analysis.

I achieved my primary goal of expressing myself after year and a half or so. I remember the first time I felt comfortable enough to write something in English. It was precisely my impetus for complaining. Actually, for beginners, that's what I would recommend, to look for 'confrontations', to share point of views about topics or issues that requires not language but analysis, the being critical about something, because those states of mind give us imminent need of expression. You'll stop thinking in the language and you will concentrate on making your point. My first stage was interacting with people, my second was defending my ideas... and when you realise your ideas can be displayed universally when using English, you'll feel like having a linguistic passport with free -oratory- visa to anywhere. 

6. Also, be creative.

I actually started polishing my English when flirting, the more advance the English of the girls I liked were, the more I had to come with a better word arrangement. Later on I started writing poetry -a poor one, don't believe I already manage the language-, but I always wrote beautiful stuff in Spanish and I wanted my English to flourish that way. I now believe that my English poems are more creativity than language, so I've realised, you also have to be creative, because the time will come in which you want to express yourself more clearly and profoundly; that happened when you feel you don't need to learn anything else because you're already writing and talking well. So you have to create, to build... I have my sources of synonymous and antonyms, my trusted dictionary, and I always write trying to use new words and expressions which eventually get stick in the mind to use them later. And at times, even finding a meaning for a word I did not know, I copy the word on Google and I read the articles or webs which are using the word to make sure how it is used commonly. You can use words or expressions you don't even know how to use just now, but eventually they'll be beneficial; you can seduce someone, you can get the job you want, you can make your point in class!.

7. Read later, much later.

To read it's crucial, but in my experience I won't suggest it from the very beginning... I used to find so many words and expressions my brain couldn't process that I used to give up every two paragraphs. Later, much later, I came back to the books, when I already had the basement built. And then yes, that tremendously helps to polish and growth the English. Something I must mention, I don't know how to explain the grammatical aspect, neither in English nor Spanish. But I know how things works, and that's all you need to dominate a language -unless of course you want to be a translator or you need to pass the exams-. Some people might memorise, some others, which is my case, memorise without the conscious intention of memorising. It's almost like a wordless concept on the inside of the brain... you can't see its code, but it's there. I never learnt anything by the book... it frustrated me.

8. Be frustrated and lose your patience from time to time!

So, if you still can't speak English, and you're one of those who feels like you'll never learn, I envy you, because you have a wonderful path ahead, a path that will never be back :)'ll see how gracious it feels when you can fully use it, also you'll realise it's deeper that one thinks... your personality plays a massive role, and you'll eventually be different when having two languages. I tell you, be frustrated and lose your patience from time to time! That's how it works.

Monday, January 9, 2017

An idea of climate change.

Why is it the media so alarmed because Donald Trump does not care about climate change? Since when are they so comitted to this subject anyways?
I have an idea of climate change; I love aviation... but, you know what truly kills our atmosphere beyond our companies on the ground? The engines on the aircrafts.
Since 1999, CO2 emissions from international aviation have increased 83 per cent. This accounts for 4 to 9 % of the total climate change impact of human activity. This won't change, because it sustain a chain of unstoppable monsters.

I'll give an example to get worry about;
In this moment of apogee for saving the planet, in this times in which the magnifying glass is being used everywhere to spot where the environment it's threatened, Airbus and Boeing -leaders in the aviation industry-, have only concentrated on developing aircrafts that reduce fuel consumptions for the airlines.
Paradoxically, although airlines want to pay less for fuel, a part of the industry survives from the companies that sell the fuel... Shell for instance, provides not just fuel, but engines! Statistics provided by Boeing says that since 1959 until 2015 there were 713 million flights. And, just to imagine the monopolistic environment, 506 millions of the 713 were from Boeing!
Billions of dollars among very few. The monopoly just provide us a clear image of how comfortable it's the investment in what it's killing us instead of investments for the urgent change of aviation.
Why do you think the working on aircrafts capables of not damaging the atmosphere it's so impossible? let's not believe it is because we don't have the current technologies! 
On average, there is 100,000 flights per day. Can you imagine how many Roll Roys or General Electric engines are in the air right now? (just to name few), can you imagine how much fuel Exxon or BP are selling there? Do you think they will ever stop such fountain of capital to experiment on new ways of flying?
Without fuel, what airlines will over charge us for?
Tell yourself a truth, when such power, which year by year growth more massively, affects in such way the global warming, what can you do? We must first unveil the realities in order to make a change. Media, don't come to me with the tale of planting a tree and recycling... do some proper journalism and wake the world up if you truly want! 
I say... let's wake up first.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

On why I became a photographer...

I am not sure. It was an accident. 

When I was 15 years old, rummaging my grandfather’s library I found a Lumix camera from the 50’s, with a variable collection of lenses, crystal lenses, a Super 8 camera and a more modern Sony video camera, from the 80’s. Nobody in my family ever told me about my grandpa’s hobby, probably because nobody understood its value. I never got to meet him, but on the films he had there, whenever I hold them against the light, I could just see beautiful frames. For instance he had some pictures from a very famous place in my hometown, a chain of waterfalls of brownish stones. I was there thousand times, but the frames in my grandfather’s films seemed unreal, as I didn’t know that place. He captured not only water, but the trees around, and the birds, I will never forget how significant the frames of the birds against the overexposed sky were to me. 

Much later in my life I started studying film and consequently my parents got me a DSLR. With the years using it, just recently I found a passion on this artefact that freezes time and capture moments. Just now I understand why my grandpa loved it. It’s quite unique the lonesome feeling that a camera gives you. The solitude has a purpose, the solitude articulates and materialised itself. you can be surrounded by people, yet if you have one eye closed, and one open on the frame window, you are truly alone, seeing the world through a tiny dark room… seeing it all from your own unique perspective. Sometimes it’s just a matter of walking somewhere, looking up, and be seduced by how two buildings build symmetry, so with the camera you capture those lines that can exist only in the place you step and within the frame you measure. With a camera, life becomes a universe itself, you exist on a specific place, and from your point of view each picture you capture it’s as you were capturing a star on the firmament, from start to start there is just empty space, as there is from frame to frame, on your immediate firmament. Sometimes it’s just a matter of immortalising a sunset or sunrise, which will only exist few hours a day. With photography ‘existence’ earns a meaning, you are constantly capturing what exists, in that precise moment, in that precise place. It won’t be repeated, ever again, however you captured it. I spend an amazing amount of time capturing the sky, I have seen thousand clouds, they will never repeat themselves, they will vanish within hours… but they can be in a frame and they can exist forever.

I guess for my grandpa photography had the value of being something entirely for himself. He was a business man, a merchant, he used to spend most of his time travelling around the country, away from home, and photography it’s something that accompanies you, in so many ways, the world it’s constantly talking to you, not just people, the sky, the birds, an old woman, a child, a trash can… photography it’s the art of appreciation, and a camera the tool to capture the moments you feel privileged. It becomes the healthiest addiction, you day to day decisions on how you want to understand the environment that surrounded you, and if you put a thought on your frame, it becomes your day to day metaphor’s printer, and you’ll never forget that thought.

I say it was an accident, because when I got a camera I never though of its power, not only for who is audience, but for oneself, because whenever you capture something in front of the camera, you’re also capturing who’s behind, who you were when you took that picture. Therefore, since I saw the pictures of my grandpa, I could know who he was, while my family always portrayed  him as the most strict person on earth… on his pictures, he was a disarmed free man. I am glad I have a camera, it’s one of the greatest things of my life. I was always an observant of details around me, and the camera gives me the perfect excuse to capture them. 

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

We live in a world of walls… what if we push them?

I learnt something about justice when I was in my 1st year of High School. Back in the days intimidation wasn't something labeled as bullying, but I suffered at times from this, sporadicly. There was this classmate of mine which had a crush on the same girl I had a crush on... this friendly, popular girl that smiles at everyone. So this guy and I didn’t have the greatest relationship ever, however we used to spend some time together, because we were both very unnoticed in the school. We used to fight over silly things, I don’t even remember one specifically, but I remember the relationship was always uncomfortable. 

One morning, outside the classroom, within the recess time, I was with few friends, talking. This guy comes to me to be annoying as always and ignoring him was always my weapon. I was maybe even afraid of raising my voice, but back then when I was bullied, I couldn’t really frame myself fighting with anyone. To fight requires to be angry, with life, with oneself, and I wasn’t even close to that. My family was great to me and I used to have so much things to enjoy outside school, things that were so mine, that I couldn’t possibly develop rage then. That morning I had a sandwich my mom did for me as any other morning of my life in school, I didn’t take it out of the bag to consume it because I hated to be seen in school having my mom’s food. Apparently we all suffer from this “fear” once in our life, but now I just can think… who the hell in my school had the blessing of having a mother who could be awake at 5am just to prepare her son a proper and nutrient meal for the day? No one. Very few. 

Anyways, the fact that I wasn’t eating at the moment did not meant I wasn’t about to eat my breakfast… I used to wait until the recess ending, to then eat without being seen by anyone, even if that could make me arrive late to class. But this morning, this particular morning I won’t be able to eat at the end of the recess, because the recess ended right there. This guys comes to me and starts kicking me, he never went physical on me, but for some reason this morning he decided to and he started kicking me in the ass. I ask him to stop what he’s doing, and I remember clearly pointing at the fact that in my bag I had my sandwich, and I didn’t want my breakfast to be ruined by his foot. He’s careless as always and he keeps kicking me no matter what, until finally he reaches my bag with his foot (my sandwich). I then lost my patience and I confronted him rudely, he confronted me back, and in a matter of seconds we’re fighting in the middle of the school. He’s trowing his fist at me, and I’m replying by just standing and blocking myself with my arms. Once in that situation I only could think “Is this necessary?”. As I see he wouldn’t stop until he could ground me, and as I see everyone is gathering around encouraging us both, I decided to throw my fist on him, right at his face… I broke his glasses, and he starts crying.

When everything is over, a lecturer comes to us and take us to the office. In there, we’re both seating in front of the coordinator, while he’s crying… the coordinator asks “so, what happened?”… I explained myself to her, I explained that he was bothering me and that he kicked my mother’s food. He excuses himself, he calls me liar… I’m expecting the coordinator to fully understand the situation and act accordingly to what was happening. In less than five minutes my expectations fell down, when the coordinator tell us “Okay... you guys like the same girl, right?”… I couldn’t believe such question after I just explained to her what happened. So I answer honestly “Yes… but that has nothing to do with this”. I explained again he kicked my mother’s food. My coordinator says “I understand, you guys like the same girl, and that’s why you’re fighting for”… I was speechless, back then I couldn’t realise the laziness of this woman of actually doing her job. She continues “You guys never had this behaviour, so as it is the first time, I will let you guys go… but next time I will suspend you”. She tells us to go.

I went outside that office tremendously confused. I remember I was just so disappointed at the fact that when I entered that office I thought there will be justice to what just happened to me, and I left feeling that everything that happened was just in my imagination. So at the end, who bullied me? It was my classmate or my coordinator? “the authority”. I’m pretty sure that such event didn’t disappeared from my mind because today I can see in it, first, the uncomfortableness I felt from my school that I never could explain in words was intrinsically attach to the fact that they as institution does not care even a bit of the students as individuals, and second, there in such small event I can notice why the world lives in such state of decadency. How many students in the year before and after what I lived have crossed through that office, probably with biggest problems, how many students have crashed with such walls of ignorance?.

We live in a world of walls… what if we push them? 

Self confidence first, gender for later.

Someone on your circle of friends will sooner or later suggest you to use Tinder, the following question to that is “how does it work?”, and you’ll hear the typical answer, “you can meet random people and you can hook up”. Cool...

So what if you actually want to meet someone?. Let’s be honest, most of the people there is looking for one night stand. Tinder is like an online club… girls are there to be convinced, and guys are there to convinced them. But that makes me ask myself, since when such polarisation between genders exists on earth?. What if you really want just to meet someone? I mean, to really meet someone… to find another mind out of those you’re used to in your daily life. I have friends that think talking two weeks straight to someone without getting sex it’s boring… what are they thinking?.

I like talking on daily basis, if we saw our picture and we liked each other, why wouldn't I want to know you? You know that phrase everyone says of "be yourself", I'm always myself and I have to accept the fact that precisely being myself won’t be that much of interest. Don’t misunderstand me, I do not think I am a boring guy, all the contrary. But what do you look for in someone you want to hook up with? Their vision of the world? no… just a picture. I have had many Tinder matches, no one wants to talk about themselves or at least, about something worth talking about… that just proves that you’re either afraid or empty, and if that is the case, I don't want to know you, even if you're the sexiest person I've seen, because what your body can offer in a night, I can have it from someone that could seduce me with her mind first, and I could have it for several months. I know I’m sounding kind of dogmatic, but I really wonder, why people wants to just fuck? what does that offer in life? what does one achieves?. If there’s something I’ve learnt on my step for mankind is that the depths of someone’s mind is always worth exploring. 

For us, guys, this thing is so difficult, I used to think that it was only me, but is everywhere around. Personally, I always felt horrible because I couldn’t have one night stand, because that is what we are supposed to do. What if you’re not a person who might like having one night stand? What if you are not like that?. I know, any guy friend will tell me I’m lying with something like this; “will you tell me that if a girl just comes to you and tell you to fuck her you’ll say no?”… Of course I’ll say yes, if that happens. But even, if it does, in which circumstances?, because when I was 18 a girl wanted to have sex with me in my parent’s car, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that, precisely, it wasn’t my car. That my mother or my father will probably use the vehicle the very next day, wouldn’t that be disrespectful and disgusting?. Yeah they won’t know, but I will. I am not religious, I’m not even close to be conservative, I just have a common sense I think we guys should have… If not, why are we seen as a gender of cavemen?. This girl wanted to fuck me right there and I’m not supposed to think for myself? What if I really liked her? What if I wanted to be with her in another way? The intimacy of a room, for instance. I had to do it just to mark it as done on a checklist of fantasies? My point is… why do we have to be so standardised within the gender?. 

Most of my teenage days I though I was gay, I really did, I thought I was so wrong, so out of place on this earth, I couldn’t, in any way think differently, not with my environment, because no one else around me thought differently, not even my gay friends, they used to tell me one day they'll see me with a guy. And there you are, on a race you started running because someone screamed to you “go, go!” when you were too distracted -you were being a kid-, to have the chance to stop and ask them… “wait a second, why am I running for?”. It's enough to just have a conversation with my male friends to realise that this gender thing is a jail for everyone. I mean, even for those who apparently enjoy to just have a different girl per week, what are you gaining? Where are you growing!? as a person, as a human being, for god’s sake. Your penis is not exclusive, it’s not an ultimate weapon, there is so much imagination that can deliver pleasure to a woman beyond the penis. We can’t be that basic. I think society needs to rethink manhood urgently, we are in these times of defending equality without paying attention to the fact that to gain that, first both parts need to see themselves as equals inside their respective gender. Women should have same rights as men, yeah… men needs to put their shit together first.
I was once playing Mario Kart with my nephew, a very childish videogames, he was playing with Princess Peach’s character… he was around 5 years old… five!… and the father comes (my brother), and realising he’s playing with a female character he tells him “What are you doing playing with a girl? you have to choose a male character”… he was five, he was enjoying deeply within his childhood, he was into the music, the vivid colours, the funny voices, the competition… he was into everything except into if he chose a girl or a boy. And there he was then, in front of his father, disarmed, thinking how wrong he’ve done… and I asked myself inside, are you helping your son to grow or are you inheriting your fears on him?. 

Self confidence first, gender for later. I was never self confident -with anything-, and since I’ve been able to disarm myself from the gender jail I have actually realised I can be confident -with anything-. Living your life as a gender close your eyes and cover your ears, while at the same time you currently live in a world of powers that want you to be blind, deaf and dumb. So fight against what you can defeat. I have friends that can fuck a different girl every week, and yet they are unconfident in the most idiotic things… again, self confidence first, gender for later... when you’re right there in bed and everything turns animal, when you’re delivering what you’re naturally predetermined to give. There be the man, because physiologically we can be a gender, but humanly we can be as diverse as the universe itself.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

La partida.

"No sé como podrán mis labios pronunciar, la frase de un adiós cuando vaya a partir. Será un momento triste y cruel que hará a mi corazón sentir la pena de la ausencia que es más dura que el morir"

-Carlos Bonet.